Using the lows as a fodder

I haven’t written since July.

Let me rephrase; I haven’t written on this blog since July. This is of course because I write here only when I’m extremely upset, inspired, or in need of self-therapy. In a nutshell, it’s my hobby and my personal diary that I happen to let others read.

I digress. I’m up in bed at 5;19 a.m and I decided to write. Something occurred earlier which left me feeling so many different things. If you know me, you know I am a stickler for respect. I shy away from confrontations because I don’t want to be disrespected, I have a tiny cycle because I know the propensity for people to disrespect you grows astronomically when your cycle is large.

I largely mind my business, because I largely want people to stay out of mine. I am a talkative if you know me closely, but I am a selective mute to those who are not in my cycle. By now I know you’re wondering where I’m going with this tirade. Well, today I went out, I’ve been trying to do so more often and a talk with my sister made me realise it was actually beginning to affect my psyche to always be indoors. Therefore, I went out today even though I hadn’t slept and was lethargic.

Going out turned out to be fun. I met friends, acquaintances I hadn’t seen in two years and I had interesting conversations with strangers. I learnt a lot, I loved being out. I stayed out for hours without feeling the agoraphobic need to run back to my nest. It was a good evening but alas, it wasn’t to end on a high note.

A conversation with someone led to a discussion I thought was productive as it had to do with jobs. Imagine my shock and horror when this individual ended up saying I should not stress myself with working, if I need money he could take care of me and all I had to do in return was “vibe”. Apparently there’s a new meaning to the word which I only just learnt in that moment.

As God is my witness, my first thought was, this must be some very bad joke. My next thought was how do I react to this blatant disrespect. It was not fitting to make a scene, not expedient to behave in a gauche manner even though that was my immediate inclination. Anyway, I tried to mask my rage in perfunctory smiles but one of my closest allies took one look at me and knew I was bubbling under the surface even though she didn’t as yet know the reason. I didn’t even know it was evident on my face that I was having murderous thoughts. It took some calming words from her for me to relax.

By the time I got home, I was perusing the matter from all angles. I replayed my behaviour all evening, trying to find any way in which I may have encouraged or enabled such disrespect. I even looked at my outfit just to be certain it wasn’t what led to such disrespect and if jeans and T-shirt would cause me to be propositioned then I give up on this world. My point is, I spent a long time trying to find my own fault in what I would call an affront on my dignity. This is the danger of getting exposed to abuse of any form, if you’re not careful you begin to think you are the problem.

I slept for a few hours and by the time I woke up, I was back in my senses. Doesn’t even matter what I wore, doesn’t matter how I smiled or how I engaged strangers rather than snubbing them. There is no excuse for a stranger to whom I had given some measure of respect on the account of his age, marital status and conversation to disrespect me like that. That speaks to his character and not mine.

So, yea, this happened but that is not the point I am trying to make. I said all of that so you get the premise for my tirade. My point is, even though I got so angry, the angriest I have been this year, I am choosing to channel that anger into fodder. My reasoning is, we had been having a debate about philosophy, education, business and such and such and there was no opening for disrespect. It was only when the conversation turned to my need for a job that the individual found his opening to attempt to prey on me but I am no prey, I’m the Alpha. This has led me to a conclusive decision that I will not lobby for a job from anyone anymore while in school. I will create my own venture and I will put my blood and sweat and make it a success. If I grow large, God willing, then I will be an employer who respects people and doesn’t prey on them on account of their gender.

So to my motivational part, if you ever felt put down, under valued, disrespected or insulted and somehow you think you deserve it for whatever reason, I need you to stop immediately. People are responsible for their actions and you’re responsible for how you choose to react to it. Instead of getting consumed in anger, self doubt, reproach and disgrace, make that anger into a fodder. Feed your ideas, your ambition, struggle and climb the rungs till you reach the pinnacle where no one, NO ONE, can look down their noses at you ever again. I am angry, but I am up in bed strategising on how to never ever be in such a position where I stand to listen to someone because I think they could offer me a job and instead they offer me disrespect. I AM USING THE LOWS AS A FODDER.

fhrt…