I know it feels like i didnt towards the end but i did. Everytime i thought of leaving it stung so bad and i couldnt bear it. Despite all about you, the uncout friends, the lean, the blue, the alcohol..all of the drugs. You traded up, for a lesser evil in my eye to a much greater evil, yet i loved you.
I saw in you what i doubt you see in yourself but you weren’t honest with me. I wanted to work on us but you did not understand me. You asked me to give you time to make me happy. I believed you and i stayed. You spent those days talking to other girls. You spent it taking lean and getting high. You spent it passing out rather than talking to me. You were supposed to make me feel special, all you did was make me feel replaceable.
Maybe you thought you were doing your best in the face of my attitude but you failed to see that my attitude stemmed from the fact that i was hurting. You sit in my presence and tell your friends to feel free to talk because i dont mind. Yet all you talk about is cultism, violence, a life of no glory and one you are better than. Yet you wonder why i always walked out? I couldnt bear hearing the man i love say things that make me loose my respect for him. When you say you stopped smoking because of me i know that i have achieved nothing because you don’t stop a habit for someone else, you stop for you. When you tell your friends that you are looking forward to the next time you smoke, you simply proof my point that you are not ready to change. Imagine all you would do when am gone and can’t be there to nag.
You let a mere inconsequential girl insult me and you lie that you have blocked her. Meanwhile, all you do is change her name and think am a great fool not to know that. You changed one of her numbers from one name to the other and told her to be using the other number to call you. You thought i was a fool, am no fool, i am intelligent, i am smart and i am worth much more. You say you care nothing for her, but you have her pictures, you ask about her bf like you are jealous, you show concern, show care, take drugs with her, beg her not to be sad when you are not available to her, call her V and when she wonders why you are using a different name for her you say its because you are with me. Yet you claim not to care for her, you deceive yourself, not me.
You do not believe in my beliefs. You laugh when i go to church and still go to evening small group fellowships. You see me on my knees in prayer to my Lord my God with tears flowing down and you come around to pet me thinking i am in pain or turmoil. You do not understand, yes i may be in pain and turmoil but not of the physical nature. You do not understand me. You do not seek to understand.
You never kept your word. I confessed that the lean disgusted me and you swore to stop. The very next day you were with a bottle and you did not even hide it. You had no respect for my feelings. I stopped constant talks with others because i knew it was wrong to give so much attention to others but you never had the same thoughtfulness. The only reason they were there is because you began to feel like you were all that. The most gorgeous, you needed to see that there were others who were even more so who wanted me yet i chose you. That was to limit that unchecked pride in your physical attributes. I am proud, fiercely so but not about my looks, just about my character and my IQ which you insulted severally by lying to me. You say i can act yet you deserve the oscars.
Our issues may have been a lot mine as they were yours, i do not absolve myself of all blame. Far from it. I know i am complex, a winding maze of doubts and fears and mistrust. I own my issues and i know the roots as do you. One would think it would motivate you to try and know me for real but you always thought you were way smarter. You would talk of psychology and make yourself believe you know it all whilst you knew nothing.
If you knew me you would understand why as much as it hurts, I left. It hurts!!!